Day Eighty Seven and Eighty Eight: 28 and 29 March 2015

Hello everyone!

I hope you have had a wonderful weekend! I’m sure you all had a better one than me.

I don’t know what’s been wrong with me, the past few days but it is really affecting my mood. I have just been in an awful mood the last few days and everything just keeps making it worse. No matter what I do I just can’t shake how I feel. It’s not like anything happened either, on Saturday I went to Zumba like normal and I danced my butt off but before I even went to Zumba I woke up in an awful mood. I slept just fine and I got plenty of sleep, so I don’t know why I woke up so gross. After Zumba I took a nice shower and got all snuggled up on my couch and watched the rest of season one and all do season two of House of Cards. I didn’t have anything else to do, and all day I was just in an awful mood. I wasn’t happy at all, I was being rude to my parents unintentionally, and I had no desire to do anything. I used to feel like this all the time before I got put on anti-depressants but for some reason this weekend made me feel like I wasn’t on medication at all. Maybe it’s the stress of the week getting to me or maybe the medication is losing effect and I need a higher dosage. I don’t know but I can’t handle any more days like this. On top of my awful mood I have had a ridiculous headache all weekend long too. It was just not meant to be a good weekend. Another thing that contributed to my bad mood was the text message I got from one of my friends from school about housing next year and that residence life still hasn’t fixed their mistake about my room next year. After that message I emailed the woman in charge yet again to let her know the problem was still a problem and I already made plans to go see her tomorrow and I’m not going to leave until I have my answers. There is no reason I shouldn’t be in the room I signed up for, I paid all my money and the other girls I signed up with are in the room we signed up for so I don’t know why I’m not in there with them. Pretty much after that my mood hit rock bottom and nothing was going to change it. I went to bed early that night and fell asleep after watching the last episode of season two of House of Cards.

Then today when I woke up I woke up in a slightly better mood than the day before but I still feel bad for no reason. My headache still will not go away no matter what I do, but I had plans today and I wasn’t going to let it stop me. I went to see the Divergent Series: Insurgent today with my mom and it was a really good movie but compared to the book there were a lot of things that were different. However I did enjoy myself and I’m impatiently waiting for the third movie to come out, so I can see where they take it. With the amount of differences in the movie from the book I’m interested to see what they do with the next movie because they are going to have to change a lot of things around. After the movie I made my way to Starbucks to get my Sunday treat to myself before making my way back to school like I always do. When I got back to school I ate some soup my mom got me from Panera Bread and before unpacking my bag. After I unpacked I went out into the living room and watched the end of a Disney movie with my roommates while telling them all about Insurgent, even though they have never even seen Divergent they still listened to me anyway. In about 30 minutes my TV shows are going to come on first I’m going to watch Once Upon A Time, then Secrets and Lies, and then finally The Royals. I can’t decide which one I’m more excited for, so I will just have to see what happens!

I hope tomorrow will be a better day, but I don’t know. I hope you all have a better Monday than I will have, and I will be sure to tell you all about my day.

Thanks for reading xoxo Lashleigh

Day Forty Seven: 16 February 2015

Hello Everyone,

I hope you’ve had a good Monday! Mine has been interesting to say the least… Everything went normal this morning and I went to my first class at 10:00. Then after that I went to the business office to pay my deposit for housing next year to make sure I got to live in the apartments again. Then after that I spent two hours trying to cram as much information into my brain as possible because I had a test at 1. It was as complete struggle, even though I had study what I thought was a decent amount, when I looked at the test I felt clueless. It took me a good 10 minutes to organize my thoughts so I could answer the essay questions. Luckily after I did that I was able to come up with some fairly okay answers and I finished my test.  Then after that I came back to my apartment to relax before I had to work.

It was at this point that my day started taking a turn. I was watching Supernatural with Sarah when I got an email from the school saying that due to the weather the cafeteria would only be open from 4:15-6 for dinner. I just so happened to be working from 4-6, so at this point I had to come up with an alternative for dinner since I wouldn’t be able to eat at the café. While I was at work I got the idea to order Chinese food, and when I got back to my room after work I called the restaurant and they said they weren’t doing delivery tonight. I then had to come up another plan… which led me to go to Food Lion and pick up a red baron pizza. It was delicious, so it wasn’t an awful decision. I spent the rest of the night watching season 5 of Supernatural with Sarah. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’ve been in a weird mood all day and I'm not sure how to snap out of it. I think all of the dreams I've been having recently are finally getting to me.

Anytime I close my eyes he is all I see, and no matter what I do before bed he is all I dream about. It’s not healthy because it causes me to wake up depressed. And now that it’s snowing outside I keep getting flashbacks of last year when it snowed and he and I stayed in bed all day and watched movies because there was no way we were going to go outside. All of my professors have cancelled class tomorrow and that means I will be staying inside all day. Which brings back those memories, and I just found a folder on my computer about the wedding he and I were going to have and I had even started a document where I wrote down little things that I wanted to say in my vows. It was literally like being stabbed in the chest as I scrolled through everything. I don’t have the heart to delete it yet but it hurts too much to know it’s there.

I’m so confused about how I feel, because I say one thing when I feel something completely different. There are some days where I feel fine and that I can forget about the past and move on and then there are days where I don’t want to move and all I can do is cry because how could I possibly move on when I feel so empty inside. I just don’t know how much more of this roller coaster I can take.

I will talk to y’all tomorrow! Have a good Tuesday and if it’s snowing where you are, I hope you stay safe and warm and if it’s not snowing where you are just know that I am extremely jealous of you!

Thanks for reading xoxo Lashleigh 

Day Twenty-Nine: 29 January 2015

Hello you wonderful people,

So today had the potential to be a great day but it went in the complete opposite direction! I woke up and did my normal routine and I got dressed up for my presentation that I had to give this morning. I was looking really cute with my curled hair and my mint green top with a chunky necklace to add some more color. Then I went through all my classes like normal, and when I gave my presentation I did great and I was able to keep it in the time limit my professor had set for us. Then I went to lunch and ate my usual salad, and then I headed off to work. When I was work I changed into a pair of jeans because I did not want to wear my dress pants any longer and I put on my brown boots. I looked adorable. I was smiling and laughing with my friends and having a pretty good time. Then once I left work to go to my doctor’s appointment the day took a turn for the worse. It took me forever to get to my appointment I barely showed up on time for it, and once I was taken into a room I was handed a depression questionnaire and I had to rate myself on a scale of 0-3, 0 being never and 3 being every day, based on certain situations and characteristics. I answered 3 to all of them but one of them which I gave a 1. It made me realize how depressed I really am, and how bad it has gotten from the last time I was seen for my depression. Then when the doctor came to talk to me she went over all the precautions about getting on medication and how she thought that it would be best for me to be on them since I had been on them previously. I agreed and she called me in a prescription for my new medication which is the same one I have previously taken. I thanked her and I left after making my follow up appointment for three months from now. I made my way to my house to grab something for dinner since it was close to 6pm and I was waiting for my prescription to be filled but I was determined to leave by 6:30. So I talked to my mom for a few minutes, ate some dinner, and washed my hair. Right at 6:30 I got back in my car and drove towards school even though my medication wasn’t ready yet, I decided I will just get it tomorrow when I go home for the weekend. Then as I'm crossing the James River Bridge on my way to school, we come to a complete stop and we stayed at a complete stop for an hour and a half. There apparently was a really bad accident that was blocking both lanes. Needless to say I started panicking. I still hadn’t typed up the outline of the first 9 chapters of my book and it was due to be submitted by 11:59 pm and not a minute later. I had a complete mental breakdown in the car which included hysterical crying and hyperventilating. I didn’t know what I was going to do if I didn’t get my outline submitted in time, and I couldn’t fathom the thought of receiving a zero for the grade. Thankfully we started moving around 8:20pm and I made it back to school by 9:30 and I worked my butt off to make sure I got my outline done in time and I have now submitted it to my teacher and I can just take a deep breath and relax. It was an awful evening and I hope I never have to experience anything like that again! I’m exhausted now after this long and trying day, so I'm going to pass out in my bed very shortly!

Thanks for reading xoxo Lashleigh

Day Eighteen and Nineteen: 18 and 19 January 2015

hello everyone, 

I’m sorry in advanced for any of you who don’t like hearing about depression, and about not posting yesterday it was probably one of the worst days and I figured that today would be better but it wasn’t I felt lower than dirt last night after I was informed of a conversation on Facebook to which I can only assume is about me. And now after a phone call from my mother telling me that the conversation continued some today I was launched into a deep depression and I feel awful. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up for a while. I swore to myself I would never feel this depressed again but here I am… wanting to disappear, and I have no one to talk too. I’m all alone in my apartment and the one person I want to talk to is my ex-boyfriend and he and I aren’t necessarily on speaking terms right now. I don’t even know if he ever wants to speak to me again. Here’s a little back story into my life I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was 16 and I started going to counseling and taking medication for it and it helped it really helped but when I met my ex he told me I’m too much of an amazing person to need to be on medication like that so I stopped taking them and I felt great. I wasn’t depressed anymore and I really felt like I was cured so to speak. Now here I am a year later crying my eyes out in my room wanting nothing more than to go away forever so I can stop feeling the pain of losing him. I thought he was my forever and now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I want to be strong and to move on but how can I when he was my happiness. With him gone I feel empty inside and I don’t know if I will ever be okay again, I told him this would happen to me and he told me he was never going anywhere so I didn’t need to worry about it. I have no will to go one right now, and somehow I have to find the strength to continue on with my life and get through school. In don’t know what to do anymore. Once again I’m sorry for all the depressing stuff but I just needed to get it off my chest before I did something stupid.

Thanks for reading xoxo Lashleigh